Of thoughts and feelings

I'm Speechless

I used to be this talkative girl who talk about anything to anyone. I wonder how annoying I was. Over the years, the ups and downs in life have taught me expressing feelings may not be a good thing. Since then, I have learnt to shut my mouth and kept almost everything in my pee size brain.

I know I have friends to turn to and they will be my listeners. Thank you but I felt weird to talk about my problems to friends whenever we meet. What can they do for you? Why spread the negativity thoughts to others when their initial thought was just to chill out with friends.

However, I will express my feelings when I think is appropriate to bring it up. My pee size brain doesn't work very well with too many thoughts drowning it. So, at times friends still have to bare with my rantings about my...life.

At home, I have lots of unsatifaction that I need to voice out but as I said, I learnt that nobody will ever give a damn. The popular question would be "Where do you want to have dinner tonight?" Even for this question, I gave my choice we will end up somewhere else. So, there's no motivation for me to voice out opinions anymore because nobody cares. Decision maker is still the king at home. Yes, we are like royal family. Tones of rules to obey. When you disobey, it will only look bad on you because all these while you are the good girl, out of the sudden, you are labelled as the rude one.

Seriously, what's the point of being a good girl? Follow what the parents said, forego whatever opinions you have in mind just to be a GOOD girl. What's the definition of good afterall? I'm confused.

Many said parents do not have a choice but they tried their best to raise their children. Give them the best they can provide. So, we as children, we should put ourselves in their shoe and make sacrifices too. Now, what are the right sacrifices, what are not? Again, I'm confused.

You may argue that there's no right or wrong. It all depends on individual family. I agree hence, I'm not writing a thesis on this issue but just ranting about it. I would like to pen down every single incidents or feelings I have but is hard...

Over the years, I taught myself to breath in breath out and let it go. Learn to let go and move on. I tried, seriously, is tough! Let go? Move on? I know I didn't do either of them but cover it with happiness that I imagined so I can feel better. I'm still trying though, still trying real hard...

I have became this angry kid at home. Parents may thought I'm just being grumpy. I'm just so fed up over everything. Well, I'm working hard on this issue.
At work, is not the fantasy I thought it is. Stupid me even said I will never want to leave this company and work for the rest of my life *smacks forehead* Guess there's no such company exists as humans are still humans.

Hence, running my own business would be an alternative. Still in the midst of discussion but will definitely make it work instead of the usual hopelessly hoping and talking without action.

Took me days to finish this post because I wrote this in the office. Is the only quiet time I have, for now :)

There are opportunities in life, I'm trying to find mine and grab as many as I could. Take baby steps with big vision.