The feelings

Finally I got time to write down my feelings
these feelings do not occur after the recent event
but after all these, I think I need to spill some out
my heart is weak, it couldn't take so much things

where's the excitement on the day before event?
where's the fun, happiness during event?
where's the pure happiness chat after event?

standing with others behind the crowd
ya is our fault for not lining up earlier to squeeze and be with the crowd
at that moment I was thinking...
will YOU realise if one day I didn't attend the event?
I dont know what motivates me to keep going after you for so many years
I could have spend those money on myself
find part time, stand for few hours, get the pay and spend on you
is this what I want to do down the road?

perhaps I sounded like blaming it on you
no I am not blaming anyone
I am angry at myself sometimes
friends scolded me that I am crazy
chase artist like nobody business
what's the point of spending money on someone who doesnt even know who you are
I know the consequences of chasing artist
but why? why I didn't stop?
your smiley face? your voice? your talent?
If you ask the 16 years old Jiayi
she will says "everything, I just love him"
now, I cannot give you an exact answer
because there's this contradiction in me
a huge one that makes me feel so tired
I am physically and mentally tired over all these things...

nowadays the only motivation for me to attend event is...
of course the princesses!
I really believe that our friendship worth much much much more than
whether he remembers me or not, or I got any photo with him or not...
although after so many years I am still not sure he remembers me or not
and I am very sure I dont have any photo with him (me and him alone)
but I dont care. What's the point of having him remembering me but I got no friends?

last time He was the priority when I arrange my timetable
as in I die die must attend his event or not I will be crying or emo-ing at home
When I started my foundation in college, I seldom attend events..
that's the period where I was really sad that I cant go
but now not anymore, where's the passion?
where's that happiness and excitement?

now I am so confuse that whether do I really know why all those are gone?
or I assume I know what's happening?
I told myself not to think so much because it does no good to me
but seriously is hard when things happen, not once but continously...
It will be my problem if I am the only one who's getting these feelings
but when there's few people also felt the same
then it couldn't be my problem right?
or all of us are wrong haha!
well, only God knows =p

I have tried all kinds of counselling skills on me
ya sounds funny that I counsel myself?
why not? I learned about counselling skills so I practice it on myself haha!
I started practicing it last few months
It works for few times, but it fails most of the time now

unhappy things will be there, it all depends on how you perceive it
ya I used to believe this and I am still trying to believe it
It is easier said than done!
you know it is there you know it will happen
you thought you already build the protection in you and you will not be affected by it
nah...most of the time you will still get affected
and you got hurt once again
the routine goes round and round until you feel so fed up of yourself

I dont think I am thinking negatively now although I sounded like I am
is just that....this is the reality isn't it?
no matter where you go, unfairness will happen anytime anywhere
well, it happens to me all the time no matter where am I
I didn't choose to see, hear or even feel it
It is just there for us to sense it...
it depends on whether you choose to avoid or accept it

although I hate it all the times, but I learned a lot about myself
as in he is not my priority anymore
I will still support him because somehow is not his fault
I will still be at the event if I am free to go...
I will still feel proud when he wins awards
I will still watch his drama(s)
and of course I will still support original cds hehe!

There are so much more I want to say
but I found out that words hardly can express how I really feel
probably is because I am not good in writing
so I would say these are part of my feelings or thoughts
It could be some past thoughts or some are current
Im still trying to solve the contradiction in me...

So, dont worry! you all will still see the annoying Jiayi at the event haha!


总于有时间写下我的心情
以下的都不一定是最近的活动后的心情
只是我的心很脆弱，承受不起那么多的东西所以是时候讲一些出来

前一天的兴奋去那里了?
活动时的快乐去那里了？
活动后纯快乐的谈话去那里了？

站在后面的时侯一直在想
我不出席你的活动你会发觉吗？
我都不知道追你的原动力是什么
我找兼职，站很多个小时，然后花在你身上
这就是我要继续做的东西吗？

我讲的好像在怪你，不是的我是在生气自己
朋友都在骂我说我为什么要那么疯
为什么要花钱在一个根本不认识你的人
我知道追星的后果但是为什么都还在追？
是你那灿烂的笑容？让我软掉的声音？你的才华？
如果是在问十六岁的佳忆，答案一定是“所有的东西。就是喜欢他”
现在的我，给不到一个答案
因为我有很多矛盾，而这些矛盾让我觉得很累
累到我觉得像放弃。。。

我现在的原动力就是朋友们
我们的友谊是无价值的，根本和他是没得比较的
我已经不在乎有没有合照，他到底记不记得我。。
有他没有你们，根本没意义了。友谊比这一切来得珍贵！

以前我安排我的时间表时，一定以他的活动为主
如果不能去，一定会超级伤心的
以前刚在学院读，差不多一年没去活动
那时伤心到。。。
现在呢？那快乐，兴奋。。。在那里？

我现在对这一切都很混绕了
是我以为我知道发生什么事还是我根本不懂
如果只有我一个人feel到，那还可以说是我自己的问题
但是有其他人也和我一样，那就不是我的问题了吧？
还是我们都有问题哈哈！

尝试了很多辅导的技巧在我自己身上
和自己说，别想那么多。。。是过渡期！
但是这些借口都没用了。。。
不开心的东西一直都会在，只看你怎么去想
我很想要照着这句话做。。。但很难咯！
很多时候你知道事情会发生，你也以为你把自己保护的很好了不会受伤了
但是往往事情真的发生时，还是会受伤的。。。
而且是痛了再痛。。。继续错了再错。。。（还帮他打歌=_="）
到最后还对自己很失望，因为又让自己被那些事影响到了

我不觉得我很悲观，这些都是事实不是吗？
不公平的对待，你走到那里都有
很多时候是看你要逃避现实或去面对它。。。
我也想避开啊，但就是不能。。。

我是讨厌这些事发生，但是从中我也学到东西
学到他不是我应该最先考虑的。。。
我还是会支持他
我还是会去活动，如果我得空的话
他赢奖，我还是会为他感到开心，骄傲
我还是会看他的偶像剧。。。
当然也还会买正版专辑

其实还有很多想讲
但字好像都不太能表达到我的心情
或许是我的文字有限吧
只能说这些都是我一部份的心情与想法， 有些新有些旧
我还想解决那些矛盾。。。

嗯，放心吧！你们还是会看到烦人的佳忆哈哈！